That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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