My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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