I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
