My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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