the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Randomize
