Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
