Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
