six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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