I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
