I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
