my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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