I'm gonna have a badass scar
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
