She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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