the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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