Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
