I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
