Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
