Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
