is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
