We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I have surprise drugs for everyone
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
