Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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