dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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