im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
