no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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