i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
