My liver just broke up with me...
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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