My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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