i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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