I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
