life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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