I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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