Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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