that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
