i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
