Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
