I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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