I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
