My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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