Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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