Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
