saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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