Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
