I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
