I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
