I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
