the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
