we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
