I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
