Your dad touched me again.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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