Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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