if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
