just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
